He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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