remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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