I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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