420 ftw
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
