My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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