The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
