God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
