dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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