So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
