Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
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Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
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You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."