first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.