wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
