Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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