Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
