i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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