I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
