i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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