i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
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I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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