I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
