if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
