I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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