Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
