things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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