Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
