You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
