Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
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I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?