I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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