I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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