Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?