Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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