I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
