i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
40s are totally the cure
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
