can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
