I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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