At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
