dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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