dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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