Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
