Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
