Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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