Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
soo... how was my night?
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