i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
we should paint friendship bongs
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