God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
