Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
