so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
