i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
