The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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