He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
