I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
