Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
