By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.