I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
