How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
