you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
