I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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