Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
