i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
