got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize