What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
