I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
