If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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