were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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