This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
