Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
