I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
