What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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