Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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