i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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