she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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