Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
